Finding peace

                      I had a d and c a couple weeks ago. They were able to send off the baby to get tested. We went back today to find out the results. We found out that it was a SHE and she was abnormal. Story short they think that is what caused the miscarriage. She called it chromosome 8. We got referred to a infertility doctor for further testing. Reagan truly is a miracle.
                      You find yourself in deep sadness after a few miscarriages.  You wait every day for the aching pains to go away. They say not to fill a void, but sometimes if you truly find something you know that'll make you happy you need to do it. You will never forget your babies that you've lost, but you have to find yourself again. I was finding myself to be lazy and not having any intention. I decided to get a dog, Charlie, the goldendoodle. Because I knew he would bring joy. He is my therapy dog. I mean this in a way that you still should grieve and cry. Because its good for the soul to get it out. I can already tell these past few days that I've had him he gives me purpose and intention. I've never been up this early every day in a long time. Reagan sleeps in until 8am-8:30 everyday ( thank goodness.) So far I catch myself waking up with him with no problem. Enjoying my peace of quiet with coffee and working out before everyone wakes up. I think God wants me to find peace and be still. It's what he has been telling me for a long time, but I just couldn't find a way to do it. I love taking care of my people and animals. I'm a giver and a lover. I often forget to take care of myself, Mentally especially. I'm curious to see where this journey goes. Because today I finally feel good about myself and knowing that I can trust God in my life wherever he takes me. I'm hoping after all of this that I feel blessed and grateful. I want to try to be positive every day and be glad that my heart is still beating. I have a purpose.

Appointment Update

                                  My appointment today was awful. I knew in my heart to expect the worst, but the ultrasound tech we had was very blunt and no emotion. Right when we got there she said " The last few times the baby didn't have growth and the heartbeat was low. Our predictions today are that there is no growth and no heartbeat." Just as she predicted there was no growth and no heartbeat. She said "We'll have you get dressed and go back to the waiting room and wait on Dr. Angell. No I'm sorry for your loss... nothing. Holding back my tears I sat and waited along with all the pregnant women. The receptionist after 20 mins called me up. She said Dr. Angell had to leave to go deliver a baby. I was upset because I wanted to talk to her. They said I'll have to wait till Monday to see her. I think after receiving such bad news they shouldn't have let me leave. Maybe talk to a nurse a least? So I left and bawled the whole way home. I kept mumbling to myself...Okay, God if this is your plan, I trust you....As soon as I got home the cramping came and I started bleeding. My body knew what it needed to do. I can't wait till Monday to see her and get some answers hopefully.
                                                               10 weeks 3 days my precious Angel baby. That's how long I got to have your heart underneath mine. The past few weeks I've had time to prepare my heart and restore my faith. Thank you God for giving me peace. I will meet you again soon my Angel. Give my other baby Bears' a kiss for me. I love you forever and always.
                                                                                            Love,
                                                                                                       Mama Bear

How I'm dealing with miscarriages....

                        I decided to write this today because my heart hurts. I have found that the best healing for me is putting it into words and reaching out to others who feel this pain too. Today I found out that my little baby in my womb isn't growing at 8 weeks, but yet has a low heartbeat. The doctor told me that I have to carry it until the heartbeat stops and I'll either miscarry or have to do a d & c. I go in for another ultrasound in two weeks if I don't miscarry before then. I lost two other babies this summer. My first one was in Tennessee and I was absolutely crushed. I then got pregnant a couple weeks later and miscarried two weeks later. I felt lost and depressed. I've been trying to reach for understanding from God. I know I will find out eventually why. Today the doctor said if I miscarry this time we would be able to do testing since this is my 3rd. 
                    I didn't know what to think on New Years. I didn't know whether to celebrate or cry. Everyone has their goals set to achieve. I don't even know where to start. I guess my mindset today is to stay as positive as I can. Continue to write and share because it keeps me from going to a dark place or filling the void with materialistic things. I also feel so blessed every time I look at Reagan. She is such a blessing and miracle. It just goes to show that everything has to work in perfection for the pregnancy to work. God knows exactly how it works. I will continue to pray daily and figure out where to go from here.
                   If you are reading this thank you for supporting me. I don't plan on hiding this in the shadows. I feel as though sometimes God wants to use me as a voice for those that can't. If you are reading this and going through the same. Reach out to me. Lets support each other and boost each other up as much as we can. 
                I know he has a plan and I'll continue to try to be still and be present. Take this day by day. If I have a goal this year it would be closer to God. I'll be ready to listen to where he wants me or what he wants me to do. I know he only gives us what we can handle. I think he wants me to think I'm stronger? I'm not sure. Today I didn't cry as much as last time. I just started typing and going straight into the word. If I start to feel the sadness come I just try to set my mind to positive and know he knows what he is doing. I'm sure I'll have triggers like the past few times that will set off the tears. 
                Thank you for letting me vent and release the tension from the inside. I love you all and thank you for reading. I will continue to update as we go through this journey.