How I'm dealing with miscarriages....

                        I decided to write this today because my heart hurts. I have found that the best healing for me is putting it into words and reaching out to others who feel this pain too. Today I found out that my little baby in my womb isn't growing at 8 weeks, but yet has a low heartbeat. The doctor told me that I have to carry it until the heartbeat stops and I'll either miscarry or have to do a d & c. I go in for another ultrasound in two weeks if I don't miscarry before then. I lost two other babies this summer. My first one was in Tennessee and I was absolutely crushed. I then got pregnant a couple weeks later and miscarried two weeks later. I felt lost and depressed. I've been trying to reach for understanding from God. I know I will find out eventually why. Today the doctor said if I miscarry this time we would be able to do testing since this is my 3rd. 
                    I didn't know what to think on New Years. I didn't know whether to celebrate or cry. Everyone has their goals set to achieve. I don't even know where to start. I guess my mindset today is to stay as positive as I can. Continue to write and share because it keeps me from going to a dark place or filling the void with materialistic things. I also feel so blessed every time I look at Reagan. She is such a blessing and miracle. It just goes to show that everything has to work in perfection for the pregnancy to work. God knows exactly how it works. I will continue to pray daily and figure out where to go from here.
                   If you are reading this thank you for supporting me. I don't plan on hiding this in the shadows. I feel as though sometimes God wants to use me as a voice for those that can't. If you are reading this and going through the same. Reach out to me. Lets support each other and boost each other up as much as we can. 
                I know he has a plan and I'll continue to try to be still and be present. Take this day by day. If I have a goal this year it would be closer to God. I'll be ready to listen to where he wants me or what he wants me to do. I know he only gives us what we can handle. I think he wants me to think I'm stronger? I'm not sure. Today I didn't cry as much as last time. I just started typing and going straight into the word. If I start to feel the sadness come I just try to set my mind to positive and know he knows what he is doing. I'm sure I'll have triggers like the past few times that will set off the tears. 
                Thank you for letting me vent and release the tension from the inside. I love you all and thank you for reading. I will continue to update as we go through this journey.