Finding peace

                      I had a d and c a couple weeks ago. They were able to send off the baby to get tested. We went back today to find out the results. We found out that it was a SHE and she was abnormal. Story short they think that is what caused the miscarriage. She called it chromosome 8. We got referred to a infertility doctor for further testing. Reagan truly is a miracle.
                      You find yourself in deep sadness after a few miscarriages.  You wait every day for the aching pains to go away. They say not to fill a void, but sometimes if you truly find something you know that'll make you happy you need to do it. You will never forget your babies that you've lost, but you have to find yourself again. I was finding myself to be lazy and not having any intention. I decided to get a dog, Charlie, the goldendoodle. Because I knew he would bring joy. He is my therapy dog. I mean this in a way that you still should grieve and cry. Because its good for the soul to get it out. I can already tell these past few days that I've had him he gives me purpose and intention. I've never been up this early every day in a long time. Reagan sleeps in until 8am-8:30 everyday ( thank goodness.) So far I catch myself waking up with him with no problem. Enjoying my peace of quiet with coffee and working out before everyone wakes up. I think God wants me to find peace and be still. It's what he has been telling me for a long time, but I just couldn't find a way to do it. I love taking care of my people and animals. I'm a giver and a lover. I often forget to take care of myself, Mentally especially. I'm curious to see where this journey goes. Because today I finally feel good about myself and knowing that I can trust God in my life wherever he takes me. I'm hoping after all of this that I feel blessed and grateful. I want to try to be positive every day and be glad that my heart is still beating. I have a purpose.

Appointment Update

                                  My appointment today was awful. I knew in my heart to expect the worst, but the ultrasound tech we had was very blunt and no emotion. Right when we got there she said " The last few times the baby didn't have growth and the heartbeat was low. Our predictions today are that there is no growth and no heartbeat." Just as she predicted there was no growth and no heartbeat. She said "We'll have you get dressed and go back to the waiting room and wait on Dr. Angell. No I'm sorry for your loss... nothing. Holding back my tears I sat and waited along with all the pregnant women. The receptionist after 20 mins called me up. She said Dr. Angell had to leave to go deliver a baby. I was upset because I wanted to talk to her. They said I'll have to wait till Monday to see her. I think after receiving such bad news they shouldn't have let me leave. Maybe talk to a nurse a least? So I left and bawled the whole way home. I kept mumbling to myself...Okay, God if this is your plan, I trust you....As soon as I got home the cramping came and I started bleeding. My body knew what it needed to do. I can't wait till Monday to see her and get some answers hopefully.
                                                               10 weeks 3 days my precious Angel baby. That's how long I got to have your heart underneath mine. The past few weeks I've had time to prepare my heart and restore my faith. Thank you God for giving me peace. I will meet you again soon my Angel. Give my other baby Bears' a kiss for me. I love you forever and always.
                                                                                            Love,
                                                                                                       Mama Bear

How I'm dealing with miscarriages....

                        I decided to write this today because my heart hurts. I have found that the best healing for me is putting it into words and reaching out to others who feel this pain too. Today I found out that my little baby in my womb isn't growing at 8 weeks, but yet has a low heartbeat. The doctor told me that I have to carry it until the heartbeat stops and I'll either miscarry or have to do a d & c. I go in for another ultrasound in two weeks if I don't miscarry before then. I lost two other babies this summer. My first one was in Tennessee and I was absolutely crushed. I then got pregnant a couple weeks later and miscarried two weeks later. I felt lost and depressed. I've been trying to reach for understanding from God. I know I will find out eventually why. Today the doctor said if I miscarry this time we would be able to do testing since this is my 3rd. 
                    I didn't know what to think on New Years. I didn't know whether to celebrate or cry. Everyone has their goals set to achieve. I don't even know where to start. I guess my mindset today is to stay as positive as I can. Continue to write and share because it keeps me from going to a dark place or filling the void with materialistic things. I also feel so blessed every time I look at Reagan. She is such a blessing and miracle. It just goes to show that everything has to work in perfection for the pregnancy to work. God knows exactly how it works. I will continue to pray daily and figure out where to go from here.
                   If you are reading this thank you for supporting me. I don't plan on hiding this in the shadows. I feel as though sometimes God wants to use me as a voice for those that can't. If you are reading this and going through the same. Reach out to me. Lets support each other and boost each other up as much as we can. 
                I know he has a plan and I'll continue to try to be still and be present. Take this day by day. If I have a goal this year it would be closer to God. I'll be ready to listen to where he wants me or what he wants me to do. I know he only gives us what we can handle. I think he wants me to think I'm stronger? I'm not sure. Today I didn't cry as much as last time. I just started typing and going straight into the word. If I start to feel the sadness come I just try to set my mind to positive and know he knows what he is doing. I'm sure I'll have triggers like the past few times that will set off the tears. 
                Thank you for letting me vent and release the tension from the inside. I love you all and thank you for reading. I will continue to update as we go through this journey.

Life with Reagan so far...

          Now that I'm getting more sleep I have time to write this 4 months later. Haha! Reagan is everything I had hoped for and I love her to death. Frank and I have learned so much as parents. I had babysat many times in my past and I thought I knew it all. That totally went out the door!lol. Every child is different and I've learned whatever works..do it! I now get the mom lingo lol...I'm so tired, I never get a shower,...but I wouldn't change a thing! I guess I didn't realize how connected I would be and how paranoid I'd be. I love her so much and being away from her hurts. I did hear that the paranoid symptom goes away when the second kid comes lol. Frank and I have a new moto now that we say often..."to be a parent you have to become totally selfless".
          My pregnancy was going so good until I got to 36 weeks. I was diagnosed with Preclampsia. I have theories that I got it from working to much and being on my feet. Even though the OB said that it just happens to a lot of first time mothers and she has seen it the most with daughters. I pray I don't get it with my second. I got put on bed rest for a week. My blood pressure never went down(probably because I was researching what preclampsia was and freaked myself out.)She then induced me a week later at 37 weeks. My labor was pretty long(19 hours), but not as long as most. I was in a lot of pain until my epidural, but after that I was golden. I felt pressure and starting pushing around 2:40 and had her at 3:05 (even though the doc said she would be there in 5 min for me to push..and it turned into 12 min ughhh). Reagan was born 5lbs 9oz 19inches long on July 11, 2016 (7Eleven hehe).
       Just as everyone said TIME has been flying. I can't believe I'll have a 4 month old on Friday. She has grown so much and already developing a personality. I have been working from home because I felt like it would be good for our family. We built a salon in my basement and its really been working out. I love all my clientele and feel comfortable letting them come into my home. If Reagan was a bad baby I would've been screwed. She keeps up with her schedule pretty well. Eats every 2-3hrs and diaper change almost every hour(diva). Although she does not nap well during the day. She takes little cat naps during the day, but sleeps through the night now. We have switched to lactose free formula because the poor girl wouldn't latch and preferred the bottle. I pumped for 3 months and had to go dairy free. It was really hard. I have about 100oz in the freezer, but it has dairy in it. I hope she will tolerate milk soon or I'll have to donate it. She has such a sensitive tummy. I was hard on myself about it ,but I also had to remember to do what works best for her and my insanity. Mom shamming is real and I just need to learn to ignore people.So much peer pressure to be super mom, but I've learned as long as they are happy and healthy...Keep doing what works man! 
                                                                                                          Xoxo,
                                                                                                 Sweet Missouri Girl


           

We are having a baby!

Frank and I are so excited  to have a bundle of joy this August. I wanted to be a mom so bad and kept praying. It took a little while, but I just needed to be patient. I have always been a planner, but I knew that I finally had to leave this in God's hands. I have to say it couldn't have been more perfect timing with everything that is going on in our lives. He's always had the best plan for us. Sometimes you just need to put all your trust in him.Today when I heard the heartbeat tears rolled  down my cheeks and I thought what a beautiful miracle. It's so amazing how God created something to grow inside of us(women that is LOL.) If there any women out there struggling try to pray and no matter what you will be a mother somehow on this world!(keep trying everything!)Thank you to all who have congratulated us! I can't wait to share my journey with all of you! XO XO- Sweet Missouri Girl

Finding your soulmate

"Fall in love with someone that doesn't make you think love is hard"

              I love that quote because it shouldn't be hard or doubtful when you find your best friend to communicate with daily. I have yet to be married a year yet, but being together for almost 5 1/2 years you feel like you should know that person. I have learned that when you are married that you can't be completely comfortable, meaning don't stop trying. Always remember you have to keep trying to put effort in daily. 

         I always remind myself that marriage was God's idea. You know your OWN husband or wife, God brought you him or her. You can't look at other husbands or wife's because they are completely different. Honor your husband or wife for what he or she is and not what he or she isn't. You know that you aren't perfect, so why should they. 

        The biggest issues that couples have to today is Communication. Tell him or her everything, literally. I would spare him or her your friend convo's ( you know what I mean lol). Do not complain about your spouse though, because that is the last thing they will remember. People love bad news. Don't hide your feelings. If something is bothering you and you want to fix it. Tell him or her and its solved. You can always work on things together.Always learn to forgive, it goes a long ways. Sometimes you have to learn to bite the grit and do what they want to do because you will be returned one way or another. Don't deprive your husband or wife because they will look else where for it.

         I'm a true believer in the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. You could be words of affirmation, physical touch,acts of service, receiving gifts, or a quality time person. You can take the quiz online through http://www.polyu.edu.hk/sao/publications/emagazine/issue133/love%20language2.pdf . My love language is

physical touch for example: putting a hand on my shoulder,pat on the back,holding hands, kissing, or sexual intercourse. My husbands is acts of service for example: do things for him or her that is helpful like cleaning,listening,doing things he doesn't want to do, or cooking. We have to make sure that we do these things for each other because it helps the marriage grow and we meet each others needs. I think everyone should learn what their love language is!

                                                                        

       

My view on healthy eating.

              I started last October doing the pescatarian( vegetarian except fish and eggs)diet because I started to notice certain foods that hurt my stomach or I gained weight faster. I noticed particularly that red meat made me bloat and got sharp pains. It has now been 15 months and I can tell a huge difference. I had borrowed a book recently from a friend called "Blood Type Diet" by Peter J. D' Adamo.After reading it I was surprised when I read based on my blood type it is better for me to eat certain foods.

Type O blood: A high-protein diet heavy on lean meat, poultry, fish, and vegetables, and light on grains, beans, and dairy. D'Adamo also recommends various supplements to help with tummy troubles and other issues he says people with type O tend to have.

Type A blood: A meat-free diet based on fruits and vegetables, beans and legumes, and whole grains -- ideally, organic and fresh, because D'Adamo says people with type A blood have a sensitive immune system.

Type B blood: Avoid corn, wheat, buckwheat, lentils, tomatoes, peanuts, and sesame seeds. Chicken is also problematic, D'Adamo says. He encourages eating green vegetables, eggs, certain meats, and low-fat dairy.

Type AB blood: Foods to focus on include tofu, seafood, dairy, and green vegetables. He says people with type AB blood tend to have low stomach acid. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and smoked or cured meats.<http://www.webmd.com/diet/blood-type-diet>

          I finished reading the section in the book based on my blood type diet, but it also mentioned what kind of exercise was best for me. I got surprised again because all the ones it mentioned I love to do!These were hiking, swimming,yoga,dancing,Pilates, and biking...etc.

           I just started a new book "The Body Book" by Cameron Diaz. She was really inspiring because she teaches women to love their bodies and how to maintain a healthy lifestyle. She talks about how you need to feed your body what it deserves and listening to your body.She helps you learn the facts and turning knowledge into action. You find the tools you need to build a healthier body now whether its food, skin,hair, or exercise.

         I love junk food..a lot, but I realized that its going to take time and discipline to get to where I want to be health wise. Its so hard today with everything being processed and get-togethers.I thought I just wanted to be thin and just workout all the time, but I still didn't feel good inside. I recently have been telling myself after I read these books that I will feel my best and do my best, when I do whats best for my BODY. So when I see those sour patch kids or buttery items I have to stop and think " what will this do to my body?" Especially my future body and health...

 

- Sweet Missouri Girl